Commentarius in Forma Alterna
by Aperture Survivor
Summary: I'm just doing this during any hiatus I'll be on. It's My Immortal commentary from a different perspective. It's stupid now. I'll try to fix it if it pisses off the one person who has ever actually commented on my crap.
1. Chapter 1

Commentarius in Forma Alterna

**Hey guys. This is really stupid. So, there's that. Also I love Halloween. It's the only time when scaring small children is not frowned upon. So there's that.**

**Merry Halloween everyone.**

* * *

Prologue-This Year and the Years Before

Hello. My name is Alex Johnson. And I'm a wizard.

I go to a boarding school in England called Hogwarts to learn magic.

And, you know, nothing like math or language arts or something that could be important when you live with and near Muggles.

It's pretty stupid.

I've actually known my entire life I was a wizard. My mom was a wizard. My dad wasn't, but he was still cool.

I've lived in America for most of my life, Washington to be more precise, but then out of the blue when I'm ten...

I move to England. I really didn't understand. My mom wasn't from England. My dad wasn't from England. They just said one day, "Hey, let's move to England."

Of course, I didn't know I'd be going to a fancy magic boarding school. I still don't understand why they moved instead of just sending me, but it's cool.

When I turned 11, we got a letter from Hogwarts. We went to Diagon Alley and got textbooks and all of that stuff. I really wasn't paying attention. Then I got a wand. A... well, its 8 inches, made of some kind of wood and has a magic thing in it. That probably wouldn't be important, so I didn't remember it.

After that, I got a cat. (I regret to say that that rhymes.) I named him Vantas. Don't ask why, but if you get it, good for you.

After I ran through a stone pillar, took a train, and then got on a boat, I was in Hogwarts.

Well, not exactly. Some time on the train there were these weird ghost things. I felt horrible after.

And that wasn't really the worst part. There was also an escaped murderer on the loose, so that was fun.

All that aside, I was put in Gryffindor and got good grades (I've heard that Sytherin was evil or something and Hufflepuff was just kind of everyone else. I would've been okay with Ravenclaw too, but I'm not that smart.

Anyway, every year something really bad happened. The next year, there was the Tri-Wizard Tournament, a student died, and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named apparently came back. The next year there was this horrible teacher and I got horrible cuts from detention. Oh and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named officially came back. The next year Death Eaters showed up at the end, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named became a really big threat again, and Dumbledore died. I didn't really know him that well besides his speeches and a few things here and there, but it was still sad.

But besides all that, a bunch of weird shit happened. People would suddenly get uncharacteristically moody, or change houses. I was pretty sure you couldn't do that. There was also this weird girl I noticed a few times.

She was extremely pale, didn't wear school uniform and talked rather strangely. I noticed slash marks on her wrists, but I tried not to pay attention.

And this year.  
Oh boy. This year.

This year, things went from bad to worse. Almost no one actually followed the rules. Dumbledore (somehow alive again) would shout at people. They added math and other Muggle studies. Harry Potter and... I should know this... Run? Ron? And uh... whatever her name was, they went completely insane. My friends went crazy too. Bill was depressed all the time, Chris was just downright insane, and Mary...

She got this weird thing for drinking blood. It is very terrifying to wake up and see the girl who you have had a crush on for the past 3 years holding your wrist she cut open and drinking your blood.

I decided from now on I was on my own. Well, there was Vantas, he was pretty badass.

And then one day while trying to find a place to hide, a door formed on the wall. The Room of Requirement.

That was earlier today. About five minutes ago to be exact. I think the Room of Requirement is broken, considering it did not give me a place to hide. The room was almost empty, except for a large device in the center of the room that definitely probably not magic. On it was a large, cracked screen and under it was a large chair with a helmet of some kind with a visor.

Why would the Room of Requirement give me this?

**Help.** Appeared on the screen. **Help us.**

I took a step forward cautiously.

**You are not like the rest. You are unaffected.**

"Uhh, yeah?" I said. I wasn't really sure what was going on.

**We must find a weakness, but we will be noticed instantly.**

"Okay?"

**You are a human. You will not be noticed. Will you help us?**

"What do I do?"

**Sit in the chair. Find her weaknesses.**

I looked at the chair. "Is it a massage chair?"

**N... Sure.**

I sat in the chair. It was not a massage chair.

**Okay, it's not. But if you really want one, we'll get one, okay?**

"Sure," I said.

The helmet lowered onto me.

**Initializing Neural Connection... Connecting to Error Brain... Thought Conversion loading...**

**Complete.**

Then everything went black.

_((-))_

Chapter 1

**(What's going on?)**

**(What is this?) **AN: Special fangz (**What?) **(get it, coz Im goffik** (Um that's not necessarily gothic. Vampires, right? Also you misspelled gothic.)**) 2 my gf (ew not in that way**(I wasn't thinking that, but now...)**) raven, **(Who?) **bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif **(?) **da story **(Story?) **and spelling **(Well in that case, Raven you're doing a terrible job.)**.U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing **(It is deprzzing that you spelled depressing that way.) **life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **(Who?)**

**(I just realized I don't know what I'm doing. Right, weaknesses...)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(Whose name is like that?) **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(Last I checked, all mammals are born without hair. So what? You were called Baldy until you grew hair and your parents were uncreative enough where they couldn't just give you a proper name?) **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **(I would leave, but I can't actually move.)**.I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie** (Then why would you want to be related to him? If you're related, he's definitely out of the possibilities now.)**.I'm a vampire **(Oh. Wait, this is that weird girl, isn't it?) **but my teeth are straight and white** (Yeah... No. You are not a vampire then. You just have a rare skin disease that makes you extremely photosensitive, like that crazy guy in that one episode of Castle with the vampires.)**. I have pale white skin **(Yeah. That's because you can't go in the sun.)**. I'm also a witch **(Yeah. No shit.)**, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(As opposed to its sister school Warthogs in Austin Texas.) **where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell** (What? No way!)**) and I wear mostly black **(That's part of being goth I think.)**. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there** (Why does that matter?)**. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **(What the hell? That's just too descriptive. And well out of uniform.)** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.** (Okay? Why should I care?)**I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun which I was very happy about **(Why would you be happy about it snowing ****_and _****raining? That is just unsafe and you can't build a snowman.)**. A lot of preps **(I don't exactly know what that means.) **stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.** (That is a great way to make friends.)**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! **(Okay, what was with the dramatic pause? I could get that if it was, let's say, You-Know-Who wearing an 80's disco outfit.  
Great. Now that image is burned into my face.)**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **(Okay, I've met Malfoy a few times. He is an extremely confident dick. Never, ever has he been shy.)**

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. **(That's not how to have conversations. Just, 'nothing' 'okay, I'm going to just leave now even though this conversation started only two seconds earlier.)**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **(No. It is not good. What is supposed to be good again? I don't understand.)**

**[LOADING...]**

_((-))_

Story? Last I checked I was real. Had I ceased to exist and was someone telling me what I'm saying and thinking? Or was it-no. Something had happened. I was already-

...

Even in those few seconds I was in this thing, I was already getting a headache. Actually, that could have just been You-Know-Who in disco attire. It's actually pretty funny, but still.

My head was hurting.

**[TIME JUMP ACTIVE...]**

**COMPLETE.**

_((-))_

AN: Fangz2 bloodytearz666 **(Bloodytearz666, whoever you are, stop.)**4 helpin me wif da chapta! **(What? Chapter? Is this... this person is crazy.)** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(And she's hearing voices, telling her that her life story is stupid.**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again **(And some kid had was lying face down outside on the ground.)**.I opened the door of my coffinand drank some blood from a bottle I had **(Wait, excuse me? You just have bottles of blood lying about? Seriously?)**.My coffin was black ebony **(What is with this color showing up?) **and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends **(Why would I care? Also, I'm pretty sure Hogwarts just uses beds.)**. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas **(Yeah, that really wasn't all that important to say.)**. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagramnecklace **(Okay, this is just stupid.)**, combat boots and black fishnets on I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears** (Instead of using glue and tape.)**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **(Stop being so descriptive about what you're wearing.)**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! **(But you just said her name was Willow.)**)woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. **(Wait, she grins at you, flips her hair, and ****_then _****opens her eyes?) **She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **(We get it. Your goth.)**

**(This is seriously someone's thought process? This seems well to- What was I talking about again?)**

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly. **(Why? He's a dick. To everyone.)**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(Again, why? He's a dick. To everyone.)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin **(That's why! He's still a dick.) **common room and into the Great Hall. **(So she asked this one, 5 worded question while walking up several stairs?)**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.** (You clearly do.)**

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **(See? You clearly do.)**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked. **(Good work. You guessed, what.)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.** (They're Muggles, right? Why are they going to a town of wizards. Does the Ministry of Magic seriously not care anymore about hiding magic?)**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. **(Um... Why again... He's a... a...)**

**(My head is seriously killing me now.)**

**[WARNING. VITAL SIGNS FLUCTUATING RAPIDLY. EMERGENCY DISCONNECTION REQUIRED.]**

**[Complete.]**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! Thanks for the 1 comment from the 1 person who actually comments on my crap.  
And for that 1 person, I have finished one chapter of my other story since last time if that tells you how unproductive I am. Also your the only reason I didn't kill off Alex. Enjoy!  
Oh. And everyone else. Assuming there is an everyone else. :|**

* * *

My dream was very weird. It looked like a small room, but I everything was blurry. A dark shadowy figure entered the doorway. It looked human, but I really couldn't tell. The creature began to approach me until there was a buzzer. The creature turned away and glided out of the room. When it returned it was holding a white thing; I guessed a cup from the way it was putting it to its face.

Suddenly my face felt wet. I opened my eyes to see Vantas sitting on my chest licking my face. I pushed him off and sat up. I was sitting in a hospital bed and had several wires sticking out of my arms, legs, and one in the side of my head. A screen above me showed those squiggly lines that they check your heart rate and whatever else those do. Suddenly the screen above me went dark.

**Hello, Alex. Your nose is bleeding.**

I felt my nose. Sure enough, it was bleeding. Some tissues materialized in my hands.

"I've... I've had enough," I said weakly.

**What? But we were making such great progress.**

"I could've died."

**Well... Yes, you could have died. But you didn't. And besides...**

**We isolated the problem. As it turns out, your weak, human cerebral cortex just couldn't handle the sheer power of a Mary Sue.**

Mary Sue?

**We placed an implant in your skull that works like the Stupid Lobe without having a notable effect on your actual thought process.**

"You did what?" I said.

**We thought it would be in your best interest. We absolutely guarantee that this crap won't happen again. So, what do you say?**

I thought about it for a moment. I didn't feel any different. Everyone I knew was now about as smart as a bag of rocks, with the rocks with about 5 more IQ Points. "Okay, sure. I'll do it."

**Excellent, we'll set up the-**

"I'm not finished. I have some questions first."

**Very well. We will answer your questions to the best of our ability.**

"Okay, first question; why do you address yourself as we?"

**There are two of us. Just Sly-Card refuses to talk to mortals.**

"... Okay, second question; what is a Mary Sue?"

**A Mary Sue is a corrupted, due to lack of better word, renegade of our race. Renegades are allowed to leave, but they are not allowed to use their abilities to help themselves. Others are completely fine. Mary Sues refuse to follow this basic principle and make themselves seem better, usually by making themselves be the only one who can fix problems, whether by using extremely stupid, pointless things that should make absolutely no sense whatsoever, by making everyone around them substantially stupider, or a strange combination of both. I could continue about the first Mary Sue, Lieutenant Mary Sue, but that's... Fine. You want to talk about it, you talk. Then don't argue!**

"Third, what happens when this 'Mary Sue' is destroyed or defeated or whatever?" I asked.

**Well, things should go back to a point where her influence was nothing or extremely minimal.**

"So, my friends?" I asked.

**No memory of this ever happening.**

"And me?"

**Well... It's rare for even other immortals, even Q's, to do what you did. In fact, it's rather curious... We've been wondering about that. Maybe you're just a large step forward in human evolution, maybe one day you said; "hey, I'm going to have eggs instead of toast today," maybe some sort of previous experience did this to you. Who knows? Actually, we're testing your blood now to figure that out.**

"Last question; is it possible to make someone unaffected by a Mary Sue before everyone forgets?"

**... Well, We don't have any idea. We don't think so, but again; never been attempted.**

"Alright," I said taking several wires out of my arms. "I'm ready.

About five minutes of struggling to get the wires out, I made my way to the chair.

**Um, look Alex... **The monitor above the chair said. **We didn't want to tell you this, but Hogsmeade is a bit too far for the chair. You're going to have to get a bit closer.**

Oh you have got to be kidding me.

**Sorry. Fortunately, your implants work without the chair. Not as well, but it still will work. Don't worry; we'll take care of your cat while you're gone.**

Suddenly a thought donned on me; where was Vantas?

Then I felt something touch my leg. I looked down and there was Vantas. He had that ability to be directly underfoot whenever I wondered about him.

"Okay," I said. I looked at Vantas and left.

_((-))_

**Activating Enhanced Stupid Lobe Update System (Human Ed.)... [Sight-ENABLED Movement-ENABLED]**

**Complete.**

**Initializing Neural Connection... Connecting to Error Brain... Thought Conversion loading...**

**Complete.**

Unlike last time, I could still see and move. I had a little bit of a headache, but nothing that hurt. I left Hogwarts and hid in the shadows near the front gate.

_((-))_

**(Here we go again.)**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY **(Look, this is real life, okay? I don't know what this thing is, but it's definitely probably just stray thoughts that didn't get converted correctly.) **PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!** (4 is also the number of good reviews she go- what was I saying again?)** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! **(I thought her name was Willow.) **oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis **(Your own thoughts? If someone is feeding you this... that would explain everything.) **or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(Wait, if I recall, wasn't that the name of the band? Bands don't have lyrics.)**

On the night of the concert **(That would be today. Right now. I just realized I was unconscious for a while.) **I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels **(And I put on a shit to give. Oh wait, I don't have one. (That was stupid.))**. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets **(Under your boots? That seems neither smart nor safe.)**. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front **(You seriously didn't know what that's called. I don't either, but you could've made up a word. I do that sometimes for words I forget. Like speckledworfed. It means doing a spell so horribly it makes a different thing happen. I hate how often that happens to me. I once tried a patronus charm and a suit of armor turned into a pile of jelly donuts. Disappointing, yet remarkably tasty)**. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky **(You straightened your hair and then messed it up again? Yes. Very stupid indeed.)**. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists** (What? Why would you do this? Also this explains Bill's random suicide attempts.) **and read a depressing book **(You feel depressed, hurt yourself to feel better and then read a depressing book. Probably that one book for children with parents going through divorce called; "Maybe it is Your Fault." Also, you can read?) **while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC** (Of course. Who would you be otherwise?)**. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner **(CAPITAL LETTERS MAKES IT MORE IMPORTANT.)**. Then I put on some black lipstick.I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway** (Wait, But then why did you do it every other time?)**.I drank some human blood** (Of course. Wouldn't be you otherwise.) **so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car **(Okay, what? I heard Ron had a flying car until he smashed it into the Whomping Willow, and then it flipped out and drove into the Forbidden Forest, but Malfoy? Okay. He actually does have one. I can see it if I look over the wall.)**.He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too)**(Why did this not come up when he asked you earlier?)**, baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **(What the heck does that say?)**

_((-))_

I stopped for a moment. I knew how I was going to get to Hogsmeade. It was downright one of the stupidest ideas I've had in a while, and that's coming from me, the guy who lit Professor Flitwick's pants on fire in the middle of class.

I was going to sneak into the trunk of the car.  
And I could practically feel my lungs stop working just from the idea.

_((-))_

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **(Don't notice me. I'm just sneaking into the trunk of-wow. Malfoy has a pretty nice car. I guess it makes sense. He ****_is _****rich.)**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. **(Alohomora.) **We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz **(You walked into it? I can't breathe at all in here.)**(the license plate said 666 **(That numbers important to something, right?)**) and flew to the place with the concert **(aka; Hogsmeade. Did you seriously forget tha-OW!)**. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson **(Jeez, At least turn it down. I feel as though I should be sad that I agree with her taste in music, but I-Wait, what is that?)**. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs **(Hah. That has little effect on me because I am from Washington and we made it completely legal to smoke maraijua- that is not marijuana.)**. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. **(What the hell is that? Seriously? Alohomora.) **We went to the mosh pit **(I've never been to a concert. I don't know what that is, and I feel somewhat stupid now.) **at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte. **(I'll just sit in the back. They aren't ba-)  
[WARNING! PROXIMITY ALERT!]  
(... Or I'll sit in the Three Broomsticks.)**

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life" **(Okay, now I'm just confused.) **sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **(Wow. I am so glad I only got the lyrics. It probably didn't suck, but wow.)**

"Joel is so fucking hot." **(Yet you want him to be related by blood? I'd never want that with Mary...) **I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **(With those lyrics? Sure. Maybe. I don't think so, but nice wording. I can't believe I'm complementing you.)**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(Hurray for sudden random mood swings.)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshedto the music **(Now it's a verb? What does this mean? Only thing close to what I know would be the Smosh Pit.)**. Then I caught on. **(Caught on to what?)**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **(There is no way anyone could have caught onto that.)**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **(Why would you be protective? You're not dating or anything. This is your first, and that's really it.)**

"Really."I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff **(I think she ran for president in 2008. I don't know. I didn't keep up with this crap. Stupid George Bush.)**. I fucking hate that little bitch** (Yes. George Bush messed up America. But you're British, I think.)**." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **(Her face wouldn't be blonde. Also I don't think she ran for- Sarah Palin! That's who it was. I feel stupid now.)**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco.** (Did Malfoy ruin the hopes and dreams of poor orphans? That sounds like something he would do.)** After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji **(Well you never mentioned this guy.) **and Joel for their autographs and photos **(Malfoy got the backstage passes, didn't he?)**with them. We got GCconcert tees **(I don't see why I- oh shit!)**. Draco and I crawled **(Now it's crawling, but shit!) **back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts **(Wait, what?)**, instead he drove the car into...the Forbidden Forest! **(The dramatic effect is... not necessary! Also I missed the car. Guess I'm walking.)**

_((-))_

I walked down the road to Hogwarts. Then I saw her.

Mary.

She looked extremely different, but I could tell it was her. She was wearing very... breezy I suppose clothing, especially since it was winter.

"...Mary..." I said under my breath. "Oh god, why must you be cruel?"

She had her arm around some guy.

My heart felt heavy. I guess I made a noise at some point because she turned around. Her face was extremely pale and her eyes were red. Well, what was supposed to be white was red. Her irises were gray. She had bags under her eyes and looked tired. _She's probably on some drug right now,_ a scratchy voice said in my head.

"I'll fix this," I said. "Everything will be better. I'm sorry you're going through this right now."

And I ran past them, only to slip on the snow about 20 feet away.

"Who was that?" the guy said.

"Just some prep," Mary said.

They walked past me, but of course the guy, being the gentleman he was, kicked me in the ribs on the way. They both laughed at that.

A tear formed in my eye. Not because of the kick in the ribs, (obviously I'm that good) but because of the way she laughed. I missed her laughter.

...

_((-))_

** [LOADING...]**

**Oh, I am so not in the mood.**

**[EMERGENCY! USER DEATH IMMINENT. SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION. MORPHINE ADMINISTERED.]**

**I am not Gordon Freeman. That's not how things work. **

**[TEMPORARY MEMORY WIPE ENGAGED.]**

**That doesn't... Why do I feel funny? And why am I lying on the ground?**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **('Wait, is Ebony speaking in third person?' Alex wondered out loud. Also, you said Ebony's name is Enoby. Do you realize how stupid that sounds? No? Right, that's because it's you.) **nut mary suOK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!** (Because that's how to have relationships, kids. With lies, deceit, and acting. Thanks Alias for your wondrous instructions! **dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **(Yeah. I knew that already. I've seen them hanging out a few times last year.)**

"DRACO!" I shouted.** (NOT ONLY DID YOU SHOUT BUT IT IS IN BIG LETTERS AS WELL! Wait, since when do people think in big letters? Or letters at all?)** "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(That's the question I've been wondering about myself since I've been doing this.)**

Draco didn't answerbut he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. **(I'm pretty sure you don't walk out of cars. You just get out of them. They aren't big enough to walk out of, unless your car ****_is_** **a bus. Heh. Top Gear, you have yet to fail me.)**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(Can you ask that non-angrily?)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) **(Oh. Well, that would explain... oh no. Mary- Hm?) **which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness **(really? Evilness? Is that a word? I guess it is...) **and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(Being evil is a turn-on for you? Allow me to introduce Dr. Evil. *Immediately removes clothing* Ha! Kids these days...)**

And then... **(Pause for dramatic effect.) **suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **(Well, that escalated quickly.) **Draco climbed on top of me **(Okay, what?) **and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **(What the hell?) **He took of my top **(What the hell?) **and I took of his clothes. **(What.) **I even took of my bra. **(The.) **Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **(FUCKING HELL?  
Aaaand of course I am focusing on the fact that she didn't take off her pants. And yet...)**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then... **(OKAY, WHAT THE HELL?)**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **(That's not how you spell that. Stupid mishearing.) **

It was...Dumbledore! **(Wait, Dumbledore just so happens to be taking a stroll on this fine middle of the night in the Forbidden Forest and just so happens to be come across them 'getting busy?' If I've learned anything from X-Files, it's that everything is controlled by the US government. And everything's a conspiracy against the general public. Also there's a guy who is also a tapeworm living in the sewers. Hooray X-Files!)**


	3. ExcUsEs, ExcUsEs

**Okay, so for New Years I was going to do something special, but then I forget and went to Hawaii so I'm going to add this story as a 2 chapters in intermission:**

This is the story about a man named Quintus.  
Quintus isn't the actual name of the man, it's his trollsona's name, and there's a whole entire story about why that is that he may release at a later date in the form of either a story here, a web comic on his currently non-existent DeviantArt account, or as a 2D something-else-besides-Flash-because-Adobe-now-runs-on-a-subscription-base-and-I-really-don't-like-having-to-pay-money-to-keep-something-working Animation (despite only working with 3D Animation) on his YouTube account that he has done literally nothing with besides subscribe to people. Quintus, is also said man's FanFic picture that he did and took like an hour and a half to do.

"Well, hey guys," he said to the people who have a drawing of someone who isn't him and also isn't all that good really, in A wAy whErE hE cAps All thE vOwEls, but for the sake of you being able to read it, is not. Also, it's in this murky-orange color, but doesn't have color. "Sorry about being really bad at this 'deadline thing.'" He rubbed his axe, which is also his left hand because he is an idiot and cut off his left arm, right hand, and right leg whilst flailing said axe about aimlessly. Or something. I really haven't put much thought into it, okay? YOU PEOPLE ARE SO QUICK TO JUDGE!

_He stared at the other narrator currently crying to himself in the corner. _"Oookay..." _he said, his voice trailing off. _"Anyway, I'm saying that I have been having a tough time with grades and homework and-" _he abruptly started laughing hysterically. About five minutes later once he calms down and removes his axe hand, which was by far one of his more stupid ideas, from the table in which it was stuck in when he fell out of his chair, he said in a wheezy voice;_ "Okay, joke aside that really isn't a big issue it's just that I get distracted with my 11 internet comics I read. I have written a grand total of 1 and a half chapters of 'Regeneration' and of that I am still going to edit it because at this point I made the main character a serial killer! Whoo!" The first narrator at this point has stopped crying just to end this stupid excuse. "I promise I won't give up on this, I just get distracted very easil-" He then gets distracted by internet comics he has already read.

And he was happy.

THE END.

**Okay, I will get around to it. Merry New Year!**


End file.
